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14 Aug, 2007, 23:29:51

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The Daily Irrelevant  
Fifteen Philadelphia motorists cited for stupidity
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 00:00:00
Olaf Phenobarb
During rush hour this morning, on the city's busy Schuylkill Expressway, Philadelphia police stopped fifteen motorists and cited them under Philadelphia's new, controversial "stupid driver" ordinance.
Joe Sixpack to retire
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 02:12:07
Joe Sixpack, whose name is frequently used to represent an average guy, is retiring at the end of July. "After that, they're just gonna hafta use someone else's name," Sixpack said, grinning, "'less they wanna pay me royalties or somethin'."
Tripwell caught with pants down
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 02:13:29
Police, responding to neighbors' reports of disturbing sounds from televangelist Gerard Tripwell's home, found his garage door open and the door to his home ajar. Upon entering, police encountered Tripwell and a young woman having sex on the kitchen table. The woman has been identified as Tripwell's secretary. Tripwell is married, but his wife, Trudy, had left an hour earlier to catch a plane to Little Rock, Arkansas, to visit her dying father.

News Bites  
Man Bites Dog
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 01:30:00
Basil Ironthrower
Repeatedly attacked by a small, but persistent, neighborhood Chihuahua name Juan, jogger John "Choppers" McNabb finally got fed up and took action: He bit Juan back. Now Juan's owners are suing McNabb for veterinary bills. McNabb has countersued, seeking to recover the costs of treatment for multiple bite wounds.
President Falls
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 00:31:00
Judith Foinsapp
While stepping off Air Force One, the President tripped, fell onto the tarmac, and bruised his right pinky. ...

Simple News Summaries  
Political correctness organization claims that the word "person" is sexist, because it contains the word "son."
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 02:15:00
James Longwayfromhome
New study claims pollen makes people sneeze
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 02:31:07
Fred Derf
Researcher claims 13% of Americans can't spell their own names
Wed, 28 Jul, 2004 at 02:32:27
Jonh Smth

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